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8 entries this month
I'm Thinking About A Prostitute20:52 Nov 30 2010
Times Read: 664
What do you think…Prostitutes think…while they are working with a client? I mean…not every Prostitute can be a nymphomaniac…can they? For at least some it must…just…be…a…job…right? So not every last Prostitute is really getting into it…paying attention…no? So what does the latter think about while they are on the clock? A future shopping spree? The electric bill? A Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger?
Oh I hear you like bees in my brain…”Mr. Tu…how can they be thinking about something other than that? How can their bodies be doing “The Old Hibbidy Bibbidy” and they be thinking about anything else?!”…fair enough question…let me tell you how.
See…when I’m at work my body is going through the necessary movements and strain to obtain the appropriate finish (For Prostitutes substitute “orgasm” for “finish”.)...BUT…believe me…my mind is not engaged in said activity…probably why I get hurt so much…I just smashed a finger the other night. After a time one becomes used to the routine and really not need think about it. One’s body goes on automatic and the mind can just fly free of it’s fleshly tethers…it’s the only way to survive the boredom! Oh I’ll think about a gaggle of different things…my “Russian News Woman” (HOT) fantasy…the turkey lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich I’m going to eat when I get home (OH F*CKING YUM)…my sister dropping the pumpkin pies at Thanksgiving when I was 5 years old (I WAS DEVISTATED)…my “Diana Troy” from Star Trek Next Generation fantasy (HOT HOT HOT)…why do I procrastinate cutting my toe nails (I WAIT WAY TOO LONG). When…I…am…at…work…I am having an out of body experience! I think about anything other than what I am actually doing! I take day dreaming to a whole new level!
So you see…it must be the same…for at least some…Prostitutes. Their work has become so routine that they stop thinking about all the sweating and bouncing around…whip off the clothes and go on automatic! Guys? Why would you pay for that?! A watermelon and a patch of shag carpet would be A LOT cheaper!
But…WHAT… in the name of all the warriors in Valhalla…must a bored Prostitute think about while one’s grunting all over them? Do they imagine their “John” is actually a “Brad”? Shades of lip stick? That she’s not being paid enough (I THINK THAT ALL THE TIME AT WORK)?
And I’ll address this as well…the last thing I want to do…after I get home from work…is what I’ve just finished doing for 8 hours! So…is it a good idea to marry a Prostitute? I’m thinking NO! Prostitution is legal in Melbourne Australia and I know there are men married to Prostitutes…do you think those men have to go to Prostitutes?
Ah…it’s just a vicious circle!
I Am Thankful For...23:11 Nov 25 2010
Times Read: 697
...well…first of course….female breast flesh…that goes without saying…I decided to throw that in so you…my Thanksgiving reader…wouldn’t think…*Egad…has Mr. Tu gone insane?!*. No…I haven’t gone insane…even though female breast flesh was not on my Thanksgiving menu…I am still most thankful they are in this big bright Thanksgiving world! My priorities are still in proper alignment.
I’m thankful that the “Gods of Stuffing” bestowed upon me “Stuffing Savvy”. Yes I was at first skeptical that I could actually make edible stuffing…but…with “Divine Stuffing Blessings” said side dish turned out very tasty…very tasty indeed! *Water…butter…Stove Top…stir stir stir…water…butter…Stove Top…stir stir stir.*…My culinary powers grew three sizes today…it was as easy as…*snaps fingers*…that!
I am thankful that my Thanksgiving dinner…the turkey and all the side entrée’s…which included…broccoli and cheese…dinner rolls…my excellent stuffing…gravy and mashed potatoes…which by the way were not out of a box…I peeled the potatoes and everything…all finished cooking at the same time! No easy feat as I’m sure you know! I must admit…when the little timer popped out of the turkey…signaling it was safely cooked and ready…it did remind me of what was not on the menu! Everything was ready to eat at the same time…THANK YOU! UP YOURS CHEF RAMSEY!
Hey! NO! I did not bake an apple pie! Come on…I had enough on my hands! I made chocolate chip cookies instead! Yes yes…sure…sure…the P. Dough Boy (His rapper name) helped a bit…but…if you saw how expertly I cut that roll…you would know as I do…said help was minuscule.
I’m thankful that after a sumptuous Thanksgiving Dinner…after the dessert after the dessert…which is a smoke *puff puff*…after I put together my sons Care package…after I patted him on the head and on his way he went…after I loosened my pants and settled down for a long “Post Thanksgiving Dinner Nap”…secure in the knowledge that I had successfully and expertly delivered a fine…BEAUTIFUL (I even had candles lit)…Thanksgiving dinner to the fruit of my loins…after my turkey laden eyes were closing…said fruit called and said…”Hey Dad…I ran out of gas out here in the rain and cold on route 20…could you come and take me to get some gas and could I borrow a few bucks?”.
I am thankful my Big Red Cape didn’t need to be ironed…so I opened the shutters and threw up the sash and out into the rain and cold I flew like a flash…to the rescue…again.
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
~The Super Chef~
Penis Proximity22:08 Nov 19 2010
Times Read: 726
Man’s giant simian intellect has dreamed up some pretty bad ideas in it’s history…Anti-Smoking Laws…DUI Laws…painting on black velvet…spandex…(Come on…let’s be honest…99% of all people wearing spandex really shouldn’t…*My eyes! My eyes! I’m blind!*)…Chia Pets…National Healthcare…(What? How well does Medicare and Medicaid work? That’s government run Healthcare you slobbering moron!)…time…yeah time…time is a man made concept…time does not exist in nature…the only reason I’m old and undesirable now is because of f*cking time…time was a very bad idea…well I could go on and on and on listing man’s bad ideas…but…let’s get to the Queen Mother of all bad ideas…The Back Pants Pocket…who and when did some complete idiot come up with that little gem?! THANKS! Thank you for ruining billions of men’s lives!
“What the hell are you talking about Mr. Tu? How can a man’s back pants pocket be a bad idea?”…fair enough question…I’ll tell you…
…a back pants pocket is where a man carries his wallet and one can not put CASH…and CREDIT CARDS…that close to a PENIS (Which from this point on will be referred to as “Mr. P”…or in my case…”Bubba”. ) without absolute financial disaster happening! You just can’t!!
Come on…Bubba can’t think…a blind rat mole has a larger brain than Bubba! Bubba’s just a good ‘ol boy lookin’ for a good ‘ol time and he will spend whatever he has to! We men don’t even know until the next day we’ve been robbed…”HEY! Where’d that $500 go?!”…or until the next month when the credit card statement comes in the mail…”WTF?!…BUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”. I mean…he’s twitching all the time…we don’t know when he’s going for the wallet or not. Hell…we’re a foot and a half away and some men are even further away than that…we can’t keep an eye on him 24/7 and he knows that wallet’s just around…there.
Jesus...think of the poor bastards that can't even see their feet let alone Mr. P! Mr. P must operate with Carte Blanche! He’ll buy 20 women a round of drinks if he thinks he has a shot at one of ‘em! No problem…nooooooo problem! A limo? Suuuuuuuuure! MORE TRAIL MIX…WE NEED MORE TRAIL MIX! Mr. P is a one eyed diplomat with diplomatic immunity! Jesus!
Of course I’ve lectured and scolded Bubba over his shenanigans…but it’s like talking to a retarded deaf mute! He just pulls the old “Autistic Turtle Inside His Shell” routine…he just ignores me completely! You have to feel sorry for him…he doesn’t know any better…it’s not his fault
I think we need a little government intervention with this matter…they should enact legislation that prohibits credit card companies from honoring “Penis Transactions”…deny them entirely! What? Who would draft such legislation? Why…Barney Frank of course! Who would know more about “Penis Transactions” than him?!
Somehow…I must have gotten…by mistake…a “Liberal Penis” from the “Great Penis Maker In The Sky” because Bubba is not fiscally responsible! He’s a free wheelin’ spending machine! Let the good times roll!
Yeah…The Back Pants Pocket was a very bad idea.
Get To Know You23:21 Nov 16 2010
Times Read: 757
What the hell does that mean? Get to know you better? Of course I’m largely referring to the wastelands of dating sites…but…that’s not exclusive…”Get to know you better”…”Let’s have coffee…or…a light lunch and get to know each other better”…*scoffs and snorts*.
Well…there’s the stupid shit that really doesn’t matter…
From which end do you squeeze the toothpaste tube?
Do you leave the toilet seat up or down?
What’s your favorite color?
What’s the last book you read?
What’s the last movie you saw?
Do you have a filling?
Are you kind to kittens?
What shelf in the refrigerator do you store the ketchup on?
…you get the idea. Do any of those things really tell you what you need to know about a person? NO!! Topics such as those are the “Get to know you better” things we will talk about at the onset of a “relationship”…the acceptable ones…the socially correct ones…and you know what? The answers to such queries will not let one “Get to know you better” one goddamn bit! In the big scheme of a relationship they don’t mean dick! Asking them is a waste of time and breath! In fact many of such things will change over the course of a decade or two! So…such nice neat polite safe fluffy questions are not going to supply you with the REAL information that DOES and WILL matter!
Now…the questions that WILL MATTER…I have a few examples…
What does it take to make you cum?
Do you find sex a chore?
Can I play with your breasts while we watch a movie? (For females replace “breasts” with “penis”)
Do you chew with your mouth open and make sloppy disgusting noises?
Will you cheat on me when the dew is off the rose?
Will you emotionally and financially destroy me for a decade or more?
Do you fart under the bed covers and think it funny?
Can I wear my shoes in the house?
Are you really f*cking crazy and conceal it well?
Do I have to spend more than $500 on you at Christmas and birthdays to keep your affections?
Is the bedroom handcuff and silk tie friendly?
Is “Sweetest Day” a bonafide gift giving holiday?
Will I want to slit my wrists after 5 years with you?
What does it take to make you cum?
See…those are examples of questions…that the answers…DO MATTER! DON’T get sucked into a relationship with only the answers to nice neat polite safe fluffy “Get to know you better” questions. Grow up…get tough…ask the REAL “Get to know you better” questions!
No no no…don’t thank me…I’m just here to help!
Eh…I’m a giver.
Apple Pie23:03 Nov 10 2010
Times Read: 801
Michael…”You just HAD to go get Warm Apple Pie candles didn’t you Mr. Tu.”.
Mr. Tu…”Do you not like the aroma Michael?”.
Michael…”I LOVE the smell Mr. Tu…but now I want apple pie! REAL apple pie Mr. Tu! Like the apple pie our father used to make…remember?”.
Mr. Tu…”Well Michael…your most protective vampire was not with you in those olden days…errr…nights…so my little Genghis Khan…I an afraid I have no memory of said apple pie.”.
Michael…”…*ponders*…Use ‘The Vulcan Mind Meld’ Mr. Tu!”.
Mr. Tu…”…*sighs*…Oh the things I do to appease and amuse my little demon…(places fingers on Michael’s forehead)…~~~Vulcan Mind Meld~~~…OOOoooo….MMMmMmmm…(licks lips)…OhhMMMMm…why you are absolutely correct Michael…that is the most delicious apple pie in existence!”.
Michael…”F*ckin’ A Right Mr. Tu and I want some right now!”.
Mr. Tu…”Oh I am so very sorry Michael…I am afraid my culinary powers are lacking in baking an apple pie…would you like me to fry you up a nice steak instead?”.
Michael…”I WANT THAT F*CKIN’ APPLE PIE MR. TU…NOT THE CRAP RESTURANTS HAVE…NOT THE CRAP PEOPLE PUT HAZZLE NUTS AND SHIT IN…I WANT THE OLD BETTY F*CKIN’ CROCKER RED CHECKERED BOARD COOK BOOK APPLE PIE LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID!…(holds breath)…AND I WANT IT RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!…(holds breath again).”.
Mr. Tu…”Now you listen to me you little retard…we do not have that old gourmet cook book anymore…so…hence…I can not make your apple pie!”.
Michael…”It just HAS to be somewhere Mr. Tu! It just HAS TO! Look online! Everything is online! Call our sister…I bet she still has all those old recipes…please Mr. Tu? PLEASE?!!”.
Mr. Tu…”Well…I suppose if I donned my sleuth chapeau…said recipe could be procured.”.
Michael…”PLEEEEASE Mr. Tu? You can wear mine…please please PLEASE?! It can be my Christmas present…Puuuuullllllease?!!”.
Mr. Tu…”Christmas present? You would rather receive an apple pie than female breast flesh?”.
Michael…”…*ponders*…THAT’S NOT GODDAMN FAIR MR. TU!”.
Mr. Tu…”…*chuckles*…Do not get your Twister in a bunch Michael…I will do my utmost best to have both for you on that glorious morning…but…for tonight…neither is possible.”.
Michael…”Swear Mr. Tu? Cross your heart and hope to die you’re really gonna make THE apple pie?!”.
Mr. Tu…”Yes yes dear boy…I swear…I cross my little black heart and hope to die.”.
Michael…”THANK YOU MR. TU! (dances around the room gyrating his hips) Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank yooooooooou!”.
Mr. Tu…”Dial it down a few notches Michael…you look like an imbecile.”.
Michael…”YES SIR!”.
Mr. Tu…”Now…let us go continue our reading of ‘Under The Dome’ by Steven King…it is getting very exciting is it not Michael?”.
Michael…”…(chanting and dancing)…Apple pie apple pie apple pie apple pie apple pie apple pie apple pie!”.
Mr. Tu…”MICHAEL!”.
Michael…”…*runs*…”.
Under The Christmas Dome23:08 Nov 09 2010
Times Read: 823
I went to my local “Super Everything You Want Store” to see if I could find “Under The Dome” by Steven King. Of course I was immediately sidetracked! Pumpkin Spice candles?! Are you f*cking kidding me? Pumpkin Spice candles? Well…I had to have one of those babies…it burns now as I type and smells great! Smells just like pumpkin! I even bought a glass candle holder pedestal plate thing for it that happened to be right there…instead of…using a small dinner plate to display said candle…*ponders*…it could be I’m growing up ( Note to self: Fight that!). I love how burning candles look…don’t you? Of course you do…don’t be an idiot.
With my Pumpkin Spice candle and again…glass candle holder pedestal plate thing in hand…off I went on my “Under The Dome” safari.
Whooooa…wait a minute…is this really a “Body Pillow”? For that price?! A “Body Pillow”?! AND they have them in red?! Well…that pretty much sealed the deal…I had to have one of those for my little bungalow…of course…I won’t really put my body on it…but…goddamn…it’s going to look great with that Pumpkin Spice candle! It sits as I type on the back of the couch…which…I reupholstered in black myself ( Pats self on back ) and I was correct…it looks great with the Pumpkin Spice candle. Alright…hang on…just because I have a small talent for interior decorating doesn’t mean…DOESN’T MEAN…I’m Gay…I’M NOT…just because I’m not getting any right now…DOESN’T MEAN…women are not my thing…THEY ARE!
So…with my Pumpkin Spice candle… glass candle holder pedestal plate thing and Body Pillow in my arms I continued on my quest for “Under The Dome”.
Oh My God! Is that really a black with rose embroidered toilet bowl tank cozy?! WITH matching toilet seat floofie and floor floofie?! JESUS CHRIST!! What could I do? Huh?!
So…with my Pumpkin Spice candle… glass candle holder pedestal plate thing…Body Pillow and the black with rose embroidered toilet bowl tank cozy with matching toilet seat floofie and floor floofie nestled in my arms…I forced myself to hack through the dense consumer goods jungle to the book section.
Wait a minute…Banquet Salisbury Steaks…6 of those bad boys for $3?!?! OH F*CKING YUM! MINE! MINE MINE MINE!! REAL VAMPIRES LOVE Banquet Salisbury Steaks pours over a plate of bread…a feast fit for a King and here in my little bungalow…I am THE KING…so…
…with my Pumpkin Spice candle… glass candle holder pedestal plate thing…Body Pillow…the black with rose embroidered toilet bowl tank cozy with matching toilet seat floofie and floor floofie…AND…my 6 Banquet Salisbury Steaks balanced precariously in my arms…I closed my eyes and made a beeline for the books section.
THERE IT IS!! The literature of my desire! “Under The Dome” by Steven King ( Does the happy dance! )! Yessss…I bought the hard cover…it’s going to look great on my black block book shelf when I have finished reading…again yes…I have black block book shelves and don’t think for one second it wasn’t a bitch putting those up! Hollow wall anchors my ass! Of course I hid the first attempt with a picture…I’m not stupid! So…
…with my Pumpkin Spice candle… glass candle holder pedestal plate thing…Body Pillow…the black with rose embroidered toilet bowl tank cozy with matching toilet seat floofie and floor floofie…my 6 Banquet Salisbury Steaks and “Under The Dome” ( I’m so f*cking excited! ) by Steven King filling my arms I headed straight for check out!
“Michael? Mr. Tu? Which ever of you is typing right now? ( I honestly don’t know ) what does this tale have to do with Christmas?!”…fair enough question…I’ll tell you…
…it’s November 9th…and as soon as I walked into my “Super Everything You Want Store” there was Christmas Music playing…ONLY Christmas music playing! NOVEMBER 9th!
Now don’t get me wrong…please! I LOVE Christmas music…really…I do…all of it. I love the old standards…“White Christmas” as an example…I love the more pop cartoonist styles…”Here Comes Santa Clause” springs to mind…I even love the newer-esque offerings…such as “So This Is Christmas” by John Lennon ( R.I.P. )…I LOVE THEM ALL! REALLY! They almost fill me with good cheer! BUT…November 9th is just a little too early for Cheer Spreading!! Too much of a good thing syndrome!! Goddamnit…do you youngsters have to ruin everything?! Slow the f*ck down! You’re really starting to piss me off…really!
And now that I’m thinking about it…*ponders*…I have never seen a bee fly in a straight line…ever…so…where the f*ck did “Beeline” come from? Oh ho ho ho…now I have seen a badger run in a straight line…so…why not “I made a badgerline for check out”? Boy…this is one f*cked up world…NOVEMBER 9th!
Stop Time01:38 Nov 09 2010
Times Read: 837
Stop Time…it just happened to me after my shower…after I dressed…I don’t know why I dressed…it’s just me here…*ponders*…I guess I don’t like the idea that my anus would touch surfaces that I might touch with my hands…yeah…that’s it…but…I digress…
…it happened when I walked into the kitchen…HEY WAIT A MINUTE…you people that don’t dress…live in the nude at home…you have no worries about your anuses touching surfaces that your hands my inadvertently touch?! Now you listen to me…IF… I’m ever going to be your house guest…for any length of time… please…PLEASE…tell me you live this way…I won’t come visit…that’s just creepy…would you really let your anus touch the fabric of the couch?! Egad…but I digress again.
As I’ve said it happened when I walked into the kitchen…I just felt I had nothing…and I do mean nothing…to do. I have finished decorating the new apartment…well…as finished as monetary matters allow. My little recording studio is not as of yet functioning and that’s only because I have no new ideas…so…that was out. No new book to read…I have to remember to go purchase Under The Dome by Steven King…it’s been highly recommended as a page turner. The television and the radio were silent and the computer was still not within reach. It was just yours truly and…nothing…Stop Time…only my thoughts and me…perhaps not even thoughts.
This only happens to me on occasion every few years or so…this void…blankness…emptiness…and thank God because it’s horrible. Absolutely nothing…a feeling of wasting time…my life…moments like that are hard to face…but…this time it did get me thinking.
Is Stop Time the reason for it all? Does it get filled with Religion? Bible study? Art? Hobbies? Watching television? I wish there was a Two And A Half Men marathon on. Channel surfing? Cultures? Reading? Thanksgiving? I could go for a little turkey right now…turkey lettuce and mayo…OH F*CKING YUM! Christmas? Disney World? Cedar Point? Relationships? Is it the cause of Workaholics? Alcoholics? Should I go out right now and have a drink or 100? Bird Watchers? Politics? Zealots of every kind? Fanatics? Facebook? MySpace? The Rave? Is it why we’re all online? To avoid Stop Time?
Do we always have to have something to do? Keep us entertained endlessly? Information always being fed into our minds? Always? Forever searching for an ego stroke of one type or another? A need to tell any who will listen what we think and feel? Project ourselves? Can we really not be alone with nothing to do or entertain us? Stop Time? I filled mine writing this…so…perhaps I can’t.
You don’t know what I mean by Stop Time? Turn it all off…the television…the computer…the radio…pretend you have no next project…no one to speak with…nothing to create or repair…sit there and look at the wall…that’s Stop Time. Man…Stop Time is an empty feeling…does that mean I am empty?
And I have to say again…I feel strongly about this…if you happen to be one of those who let their anus touch the fabric of their couch…I’m never coming over…Stop Time or not.
World Peace And Other Myths19:23 Nov 03 2010
Times Read: 872
World Peace? Are you f*cking kidding me? World Peace? Get your heads out of the clouds…come back down to earth and use just a fraction of the brains God (your choice)…or…Mother Nature…whichever you prefer…gave you!
Two people…of the same beliefs…can’t be in a room together for more than one day without a brawl breaking out over something…it doesn’t even have to be something of importance…any old little thing will do just fine. Look at any institution that has ever existed…any…and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a religion (yeah…there’s a peaceful bunch)…or a business…or a government…or even a family…eventually someone is going to tear someone’s ass up. Eventually someone will think they know just a little more than the other and will spill blood to prove it. And even if it’s not “Spill Blood” it will still cause ill feelings once the maneuvering and back stabbing starts and remember…this is with people of the same beliefs…and all those ill feelings will only cause more maneuvering and back stabbing. Where does it go from there? Off to the races kiddies. World Peace?
So…you think…that somehow…in a world of billions…billions…of people and these people are of different races…intelligence and beliefs…are again…somehow…going to coexist in a happy huggy buggy let’s kiss and hold hands world? If this is what you believe and deem important…well…you are going to be unhappy your entire life…because…it’s not going to happen…ever.
And this isn’t a man/woman thing…Jesus…I’ve seen two women brawl harder than two men at times…we’d have a nuclear holocaust because The Presidentesse didn’t coordinate her purse and shoes right…wrong color for the season or perhaps the strap buckle (do purse straps have buckles?) offended another Presidentesse…I don’t know…something about rhinestones set in an offensive manner….who f*cking knows. And besides…that damn purse was made of leather which required some poor cow to give up it’s life and that’s not World Peace…right Vegans? God I love those commercials where the cows are advertising to eat more chicken…MOO!
Look…life is vicious and brutal…as Lestat (of Anne Rice fame) called the world “The Savage Garden”…it comes with the territory. One plant chokes the life out of another that gets eaten by a gnu which gets eaten by a lion which gets old and gets eaten by a pack of hyenas…or…dies…and gets literally eaten by the earth. See?! Even Mother Earth isn’t peaceful. Remember the story about the fly? Something about the frog ate the fly that got eaten by the cat and on and on…don’t they teach that little truth anymore?
The World and every last little microscopic thing in it is not designed for Peace and all the lofty ideals is not going to change that…ever. We’re not going to be jetting around in a Starship kissing and holding hands with each other…yeah ok…Gordys eye visor was cool…but…it was just for the TV show…it wasn’t real…he can see just fine…really. You think those bastards did not fight over salaries? World Peace.
Did you read my last blog? “Tattoos On Boobies And Whiskers On Kittens”? There were just three…three people commenting and it was a brawl over ink embedded in skin…yeah…World Peace…(makes jerk off motion).
The only World Peace you are ever going to know is the peace you make in your own home…period. Like Ed said…a peaceful crap is worth it’s weight in gold. Crap peaceful Ed!
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COMMENTS
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ThePinja
21:02 Nov 30 2010
"God I can't wait for the convention in Vegas"
"Hmm I wonder if Sally down the corner is getting much business, has she been stealing mine?"
ThothLestat
21:31 Nov 30 2010
I think their thoughts would be like the pornstar tweets on Twitter which I sometimes read (hey, man, don't judge me.)
Examples:
I'm going to get a pedicure, then... eat a steak sandwich.
I'm at the beach!
I wonder if Glee is coming on tonight...
I need to buy more kitty litter
Etcetera.
fallenangel51
22:53 Nov 30 2010
Thats a good question. I wonder what they do think of??
If I was one I would probably think about the bacon cheeseburger.
MeanMeanMrTu
01:27 Dec 01 2010
A convention in Vegas? See...this has always confused me...I've seen Johns and Prostitutes get busted in Vegas on the Telly...but...in Parrumph (?) it is legal...just over the mountains and it's fine...odd.
I have to start Tweeting.
MeanMeanMrTu
01:28 Dec 01 2010
Good choice!